1 00:00:04,866 --> 00:00:07,200 [ Police radio chatter ] 2 00:00:07,300 --> 00:00:09,200 [ Dramatic music plays ] 3 00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:17,733 ♪♪ 4 00:00:17,833 --> 00:00:19,433 [ Door latch rattles ] 5 00:00:20,966 --> 00:00:22,900 -You should prepare yourself. 6 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:25,800 -Where is it? -I told him what to expect. 7 00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:28,800 -Just...show me. 8 00:00:28,900 --> 00:00:37,800 ♪♪ 9 00:00:37,900 --> 00:00:46,400 ♪♪ 10 00:00:46,500 --> 00:00:47,833 [ Sighs ] 11 00:00:47,933 --> 00:00:54,566 ♪♪ 12 00:00:54,666 --> 00:00:59,933 ♪♪ 13 00:01:01,266 --> 00:01:04,266 Bloody hell, Ruth, it's gonna take ages. 14 00:01:04,366 --> 00:01:06,066 -I told your boss it was a bad one. 15 00:01:06,166 --> 00:01:07,833 -It's 3:00. I'm supposed to be -- 16 00:01:07,933 --> 00:01:09,766 -Curry night. I told them, "He won't like this. 17 00:01:09,866 --> 00:01:11,766 It's curry night at The White Horse." 18 00:01:11,866 --> 00:01:13,100 -It's on everything. 19 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,100 Look, it's on curtains, the bloody clock. 20 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:18,100 Who puts a white rug in a kitchen? 21 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:20,633 Did Siegfried move here after Roy died? 22 00:01:20,733 --> 00:01:23,133 Jesus, what happened? 23 00:01:23,233 --> 00:01:24,433 -A woman killed her husband. 24 00:01:24,533 --> 00:01:26,200 -What with, a combine harvester? 25 00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:28,200 -Stabbed him 38 times. 26 00:01:28,300 --> 00:01:30,433 -Why? To piss me off? 27 00:01:30,533 --> 00:01:33,433 You only need five stabs. Anything else is showboating. 28 00:01:33,533 --> 00:01:35,966 -Oh, you'll be all right. You've got ages. 29 00:01:36,066 --> 00:01:39,300 -I'm a cleaner. I'm not Jesus. 30 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:42,666 The naans come out at 7:00, and they go stale very quickly. 31 00:01:42,766 --> 00:01:44,766 I need to be sat down by 6:30, at the latest. 32 00:01:44,866 --> 00:01:46,233 -Well, there you go. Three hours. 33 00:01:46,333 --> 00:01:48,000 And I'm up there later. I'll get Mervin 34 00:01:48,100 --> 00:01:50,000 to keep you a jalfrezi. -[ Snorts ] 35 00:01:50,100 --> 00:01:52,000 Do you think this is a three-hour job? 36 00:01:52,100 --> 00:01:54,033 I've not looked yet, but I'd be willing to bet 37 00:01:54,133 --> 00:01:55,433 there's blood on the ceiling. 38 00:01:55,533 --> 00:01:56,733 Yep, hello. 39 00:01:56,833 --> 00:01:59,200 -Oh, and also, the models need doing. 40 00:01:59,300 --> 00:02:00,966 They were his pride and joy, apparently. 41 00:02:01,066 --> 00:02:03,166 -Why? He's dead. 42 00:02:03,266 --> 00:02:05,700 Who's gonna care? His wife who murdered him? 43 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:07,166 Or am I being thorough for a ghost? 44 00:02:07,266 --> 00:02:08,733 -Oh, you're just grumpy 45 00:02:08,833 --> 00:02:11,566 'cause you're on a promise from the tattooed MILF. 46 00:02:11,666 --> 00:02:13,833 -No, I'm not. -She'll be waiting for you 47 00:02:13,933 --> 00:02:15,333 no matter how late you get there. 48 00:02:15,433 --> 00:02:17,966 -I'm not seeing her anymore. -Oh, why not? 49 00:02:18,066 --> 00:02:19,700 -I think it was 'cause I realized that everybody calls 50 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:22,300 her the tattooed MILF, even her own mother. 51 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:24,100 -She doesn't even have that many tattoos. 52 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:25,500 -You haven't seen her back, mate. 53 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:27,233 It's all anchors and sea monsters. 54 00:02:27,333 --> 00:02:28,800 It's like shagging a treasure map. 55 00:02:28,900 --> 00:02:32,300 Oh, God, she's even got it on the pot plants. 56 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:37,333 -Oh, well, good luck, Mr. Mop. See you later hopefully. 57 00:02:37,433 --> 00:02:41,000 -Right. Right, Wicky. 58 00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:44,566 Thick curry. Just think delicious curry. 59 00:02:44,666 --> 00:02:51,466 ♪♪ 60 00:02:51,566 --> 00:02:55,733 ♪ The only one I know ♪ 61 00:02:55,833 --> 00:02:59,933 ♪ Has come to take me away ♪ 62 00:03:00,033 --> 00:03:04,266 ♪ The only one I know ♪ 63 00:03:04,366 --> 00:03:08,300 ♪ Is mine when she stitches me ♪ 64 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:12,400 ♪♪ 65 00:03:12,500 --> 00:03:16,933 ♪ The only one I see ♪ 66 00:03:17,033 --> 00:03:21,166 ♪ Has found an aching in me ♪ 67 00:03:21,266 --> 00:03:25,366 ♪ The only one I see ♪ 68 00:03:25,466 --> 00:03:29,133 ♪ Has turned her tongue into me ♪ 69 00:03:29,233 --> 00:03:33,966 ♪♪ 70 00:03:34,066 --> 00:03:36,833 ♪ Everyone ♪ 71 00:03:36,933 --> 00:03:38,833 [ Squeaking ] 72 00:03:38,933 --> 00:03:43,233 -Hello, Mr. Policeman? It's the friendly neighbor. 73 00:03:43,333 --> 00:03:45,566 [ Muffled music playing ] 74 00:03:45,666 --> 00:03:48,200 -[ Grunts ] 75 00:03:48,300 --> 00:03:49,533 -Hello! 76 00:03:49,633 --> 00:03:52,033 [ Both scream ] 77 00:03:52,133 --> 00:03:53,433 -Hey! 78 00:03:53,533 --> 00:03:55,366 How you feeling? 79 00:03:55,466 --> 00:03:56,766 -[ Sighs ] Yeah. 80 00:03:56,866 --> 00:03:59,566 I'm a little shaken, but I'll live. 81 00:03:59,666 --> 00:04:02,333 Honestly, you're just like my boy running around 82 00:04:02,433 --> 00:04:03,733 causing chaos. 83 00:04:03,833 --> 00:04:05,766 [ Laughs ] -To be honest with you, 84 00:04:05,866 --> 00:04:07,933 I was pretty pleased I kicked that high. 85 00:04:08,033 --> 00:04:10,733 -Ah, you boys and your karate. 86 00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:12,533 -[ Sighs ] 87 00:04:12,633 --> 00:04:15,566 Well, I'd better get on. 88 00:04:17,433 --> 00:04:22,333 ♪♪ 89 00:04:22,433 --> 00:04:25,233 -Yes, dear, I'm just waiting for my letter. 90 00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:26,766 -Your...? 91 00:04:26,866 --> 00:04:28,533 -Well, as I say to my boy, 92 00:04:28,633 --> 00:04:30,366 what's an apology without a letter? 93 00:04:30,466 --> 00:04:32,500 It's like a burp in the wind, huh? 94 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:33,966 [ Laughs ] 95 00:04:34,066 --> 00:04:35,233 -You want me to write you an apology letter? 96 00:04:35,333 --> 00:04:36,500 -Well, the pie didn't kick itself 97 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,700 out my hands now, did it, dear? 98 00:04:40,266 --> 00:04:41,433 -Why not? 99 00:04:41,533 --> 00:04:42,833 -Well, it came as no surprise to me 100 00:04:42,933 --> 00:04:44,633 that Mrs. Bellingham did this. 101 00:04:44,733 --> 00:04:47,366 Never trust a woman who doesn't bake. 102 00:04:47,466 --> 00:04:49,966 I used to bring a pie round every Tuesday 103 00:04:50,066 --> 00:04:53,300 for Mr. Bellingham, and now look. 104 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,300 -Not all women bake, though, do they? 105 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,166 -All women of my generation do. 106 00:04:57,266 --> 00:04:59,900 It was drummed into us, and if she's not baking, 107 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,000 what is she doing? 108 00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:03,366 -I guess she's into other things. 109 00:05:03,466 --> 00:05:05,800 -Exactly what Myra Hindley said. 110 00:05:08,366 --> 00:05:12,466 So, you must be policeman. How exciting. 111 00:05:12,566 --> 00:05:14,766 -No. I'm here to clean up, so... -You're a cleaner? 112 00:05:14,866 --> 00:05:17,933 What did I tell you. The world is upside down. 113 00:05:18,033 --> 00:05:21,200 -Crime scene cleaner. -It needs a woman's touch. 114 00:05:21,300 --> 00:05:23,533 Now get me a mop, and I'll do it. 115 00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:26,100 -Name a stain. -Pardon? 116 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,700 -Name a stain that's impossible to get out. 117 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:30,166 -Beetroot on linen. 118 00:05:30,266 --> 00:05:31,666 -Pectinase. -What? 119 00:05:31,766 --> 00:05:34,300 -It's an enzyme which breaks down pectin, 120 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:37,100 a polysaccharide found in plant cell walls, 121 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:40,033 used in conjunction with hydrogen peroxide 122 00:05:40,133 --> 00:05:41,700 and a microfiber brush. 123 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,133 I can get beetroot out of anything. 124 00:05:44,233 --> 00:05:45,500 And you know why? 125 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:49,333 Because I am a qualified crime scene cleaner. 126 00:05:49,433 --> 00:05:52,800 I can get dried blood out of a white woolen carpet. 127 00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:55,966 I can remove skull fragments from velvet. 128 00:05:56,066 --> 00:05:58,033 So think on. 129 00:05:58,133 --> 00:06:03,033 ♪♪ 130 00:06:03,133 --> 00:06:05,666 Yeah. Firm but fair. 131 00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:11,100 ♪♪ 132 00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:16,500 ♪♪ 133 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:17,800 -Hello. 134 00:06:17,900 --> 00:06:19,333 -Hey! 135 00:06:19,433 --> 00:06:21,466 -Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. 136 00:06:21,566 --> 00:06:22,933 I let myself in. 137 00:06:23,033 --> 00:06:24,966 -Has everyone got keys to this bloody house? 138 00:06:25,066 --> 00:06:26,733 -Oh, gosh, hope not. 139 00:06:26,833 --> 00:06:28,700 Um, just me and our neighbor now I think. 140 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,100 -It's all right. 141 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,400 A least you weren't carrying a pie, I suppose. 142 00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:33,766 -Oh, no, I don't bake. 143 00:06:33,866 --> 00:06:37,733 No. It was a source of some irritation for my husband. 144 00:06:37,833 --> 00:06:40,433 -Oh. You're the, um... 145 00:06:40,533 --> 00:06:42,566 Oh, this is -- 146 00:06:42,666 --> 00:06:44,333 -I'm the wife, yes. 147 00:06:44,433 --> 00:06:46,300 Or I suppose I should say widow now. 148 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:50,300 -[ Laughs ] Yes. Yes. I suppose you should. 149 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:52,600 I was just, um... 150 00:06:52,700 --> 00:06:55,300 I was just gonna go and get some, uh, murder. 151 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,733 -Some? -Some murder for the stab. 152 00:06:57,833 --> 00:06:59,500 What am I talking about? [ Laughs ] 153 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:02,033 I was just gonna go and fill my bucket with blood, 154 00:07:02,133 --> 00:07:03,633 for the murder stab. 155 00:07:03,733 --> 00:07:05,566 Water. Water. 156 00:07:05,666 --> 00:07:08,500 To clean the stab a man murder walls of all of the blood. 157 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:11,900 Water. Water for my bucket! 158 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:15,200 So...I'll go and do that, and then maybe you and I could 159 00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:16,933 have a nice cup of tea, couldn't we? 160 00:07:19,166 --> 00:07:21,433 -I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to stay. 161 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,366 If you don't mind, awfully. 162 00:07:26,466 --> 00:07:28,233 -I would be delighted. 163 00:07:32,633 --> 00:07:34,500 -Okay. 164 00:07:36,900 --> 00:07:38,500 In the cupboard please. 165 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:40,733 -Oh. -In the cupboard. 166 00:07:40,833 --> 00:07:42,466 -No, I can't, I'm sorry. 167 00:07:42,566 --> 00:07:44,700 I'm claustrophobic, and I can see they've got 168 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:46,966 wool coats in there, and I'm allergic. 169 00:07:47,066 --> 00:07:49,033 It makes my throat come up like a puffer fish, seriously. 170 00:07:49,133 --> 00:07:50,966 -Cupboard. 171 00:07:51,066 --> 00:07:52,566 -Look, how long are you gonna be? 172 00:07:52,666 --> 00:07:54,700 -Just collecting some things, then I'll be on my way. 173 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,766 -So, like, 10 minutes, or are you gonna lock me in 174 00:07:57,866 --> 00:07:59,433 and then wait for me to be discovered? 175 00:07:59,533 --> 00:08:01,666 -Sorry, have you got somewhere you got to be? 176 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,500 -Well, yeah. 177 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,900 -You're being held at gunpoint by a woman who you know has, 178 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:10,633 within the past 48 hours, 179 00:08:10,733 --> 00:08:13,133 used her husband as a knife block, 180 00:08:13,233 --> 00:08:16,900 so do weigh up your answer to this really carefully. 181 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,966 What is so important? 182 00:08:21,433 --> 00:08:24,333 -Well, it's nothing. I was just... 183 00:08:24,433 --> 00:08:26,933 I just gonna go to The White Horse. 184 00:08:27,033 --> 00:08:28,566 -A pub? -It's curry night. 185 00:08:28,666 --> 00:08:30,300 -It's curry night? -Yeah. 186 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:33,300 It's £5, and honestly considering it's all cooked 187 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,666 by a white guy called Mervin, it is delicious. 188 00:08:35,766 --> 00:08:38,466 -What? It's worth being shot for? [ Laughs ] 189 00:08:38,566 --> 00:08:39,933 -You should come. 190 00:08:40,033 --> 00:08:41,266 It's as many naans as you can eat. 191 00:08:41,366 --> 00:08:43,200 And that's a mistake by Mervin. 192 00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:45,500 I had nine last week before the madras came out. 193 00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:47,300 -Okay, so you're refusing to get in 194 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:48,766 because of Mervin's naans. 195 00:08:48,866 --> 00:08:50,933 Let's get this over with. -Oh. Hey, hey, hey, no. 196 00:08:51,033 --> 00:08:52,500 I'll get in, I'll get in. Lovely. 197 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,200 It'll be nice. 198 00:09:02,433 --> 00:09:05,433 You couldn't ring ahead, though, could you? 199 00:09:05,533 --> 00:09:08,433 And ask them if they'll put some on one side for me? 200 00:09:08,533 --> 00:09:10,733 If you look on Google, it's The White Horse. 201 00:09:10,833 --> 00:09:13,633 Don't go on the website, because Mervin messed that up. 202 00:09:13,733 --> 00:09:17,766 The link just takes you to an abattoir in Poland. 203 00:09:17,866 --> 00:09:19,133 I think it's Poland. 204 00:09:19,233 --> 00:09:22,333 Either way, the cows look weird. Hello? 205 00:09:22,433 --> 00:09:25,200 -Oh, my God. How dull must your life be? 206 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,000 Come with me. 207 00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:38,100 ♪♪ 208 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:39,566 -Sit. 209 00:09:43,033 --> 00:09:45,666 This church has a little surprise. 210 00:09:45,766 --> 00:09:47,700 Smoke? -Yeah. 211 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:53,900 ♪♪ 212 00:09:54,000 --> 00:10:00,066 ♪♪ 213 00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:01,666 -[ Sighs ] 214 00:10:03,700 --> 00:10:05,633 [ Sighs ] 215 00:10:05,733 --> 00:10:08,366 First time I've ever done this in here. 216 00:10:08,466 --> 00:10:10,400 He didn't approve of smoking. 217 00:10:10,500 --> 00:10:12,633 No, of course he didn't. 218 00:10:12,733 --> 00:10:16,100 That's why I liked hiding them in his precious little models. 219 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:19,900 That was a minor act of rebellion. 220 00:10:21,633 --> 00:10:24,500 Oh, don't worry. I'll, um -- I'll open the windows. 221 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:28,466 -Oh, it's not that. It's -- It's all the... 222 00:10:28,566 --> 00:10:30,166 -Hm? Oh, yes. 223 00:10:30,266 --> 00:10:32,300 I do need to change. 224 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:35,800 Don't worry. I have no intention of hurting you. 225 00:10:35,900 --> 00:10:38,533 Mind you, I had no intention of hurting my husband. 226 00:10:38,633 --> 00:10:41,000 It's funny. I, um... 227 00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:44,000 I really don't remember what happened. 228 00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:46,833 -You stabbed him. 38 times. 229 00:10:46,933 --> 00:10:49,266 -Goodness me. I was cross, wasn't I? 230 00:10:49,366 --> 00:10:51,333 -Yes. Five would've been plenty. 231 00:10:51,433 --> 00:10:55,133 -Hmm. -I mean, do you mind me asking? 232 00:10:55,233 --> 00:10:58,500 -Hmm? -What did he do wrong? 233 00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:00,700 -He made models. -No. No. 234 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:02,200 I mean, why did you kill him? 235 00:11:02,300 --> 00:11:04,733 -I know what you meant. And my answer remains. 236 00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:10,133 -I don't understand. -Have you ever had a paper cut? 237 00:11:10,233 --> 00:11:11,900 -I don't think I ever have. 238 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,733 But do you know what? There was a kid I went to school 239 00:11:13,833 --> 00:11:16,233 with who used to give them to himself on purpose. 240 00:11:16,333 --> 00:11:18,566 -A cry for help. -Oh, no, he's just a nutter. 241 00:11:18,666 --> 00:11:21,266 Last time I saw him, he was riding round town on a dog. 242 00:11:21,366 --> 00:11:23,900 -A paper cut is, um... 243 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:25,366 it's small. 244 00:11:25,466 --> 00:11:27,433 It doesn't look life-threatening, 245 00:11:27,533 --> 00:11:30,366 but it really hurts. 246 00:11:30,466 --> 00:11:33,366 It bleeds for a really long time, 247 00:11:33,466 --> 00:11:35,666 and that's what my marriage was like. 248 00:11:35,766 --> 00:11:38,933 A tiny paper cut, after tiny paper cut, 249 00:11:39,033 --> 00:11:43,266 until one day, well, I decided I'd bled enough. 250 00:11:43,366 --> 00:11:44,833 It was his turn. 251 00:11:44,933 --> 00:11:49,833 I believe the final straw was the reordering of the fridge. 252 00:11:49,933 --> 00:11:51,366 -Eh? -Yeah. 253 00:11:51,466 --> 00:11:54,200 All the bottles rearranged in height order. 254 00:11:54,300 --> 00:11:56,533 Sounds silly, doesn't it? 255 00:11:56,633 --> 00:12:01,266 But I opened the door, and suddenly I thought, 256 00:12:01,366 --> 00:12:04,066 "I do not want the juice at the top 257 00:12:04,166 --> 00:12:07,133 and the Yakult at the bottom, and... 258 00:12:09,166 --> 00:12:11,566 well... -I know what you mean. 259 00:12:11,666 --> 00:12:14,500 My ex, once, she put all the DVDs in alphabetical order, 260 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:16,100 and I ran her over with a van. 261 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,200 -Did you? -No. 262 00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:20,133 Because I'm not a psychopath. 263 00:12:20,233 --> 00:12:22,200 -I'm not a psychopath. 264 00:12:22,300 --> 00:12:24,333 I'm the treasurer of the community center. 265 00:12:24,433 --> 00:12:25,800 -Oh, right. Well, as long as 266 00:12:25,900 --> 00:12:27,333 the coffee morning receipts are in order, 267 00:12:27,433 --> 00:12:29,133 who's gonna begrudge you a little blood bath? 268 00:12:29,233 --> 00:12:30,400 -I see. 269 00:12:32,300 --> 00:12:34,200 Upstairs. -I'm not going in the cupboard. 270 00:12:34,300 --> 00:12:35,600 -Upstairs. 271 00:12:40,366 --> 00:12:42,166 -Right, get in the bathroom. 272 00:12:42,266 --> 00:12:44,200 -Was that always an option? 273 00:12:44,300 --> 00:12:45,600 Well, why did we have to go through 274 00:12:45,700 --> 00:12:47,000 all that cupboard pantomime? 275 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,566 -Please. Don't be fooled by my charming demeanor. 276 00:12:49,666 --> 00:12:52,600 I'm on the edge. I have little time. Get in. 277 00:12:57,666 --> 00:13:05,333 ♪♪ 278 00:13:05,433 --> 00:13:13,133 ♪♪ 279 00:13:13,233 --> 00:13:14,800 -Sausages! 280 00:13:16,133 --> 00:13:18,700 Hey, psst. 281 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,733 Hey, kid. Psst. 282 00:13:21,833 --> 00:13:23,600 -Mum said I'm not to talk to you. 283 00:13:23,700 --> 00:13:25,366 -What? Why? 284 00:13:25,466 --> 00:13:28,233 -'Cause you go around kicking pies out of people's hands. 285 00:13:28,333 --> 00:13:30,266 -Kid, I need your help here. 286 00:13:35,966 --> 00:13:38,333 Oh, my God. 287 00:13:38,433 --> 00:13:41,333 -You got a problem? -No. No problem. 288 00:13:41,433 --> 00:13:43,733 Listen, lend me your phone. 289 00:13:43,833 --> 00:13:45,133 -I haven't got a phone. 290 00:13:45,233 --> 00:13:47,333 I don't want square eyes, thank you very much. 291 00:13:47,433 --> 00:13:49,000 -Can you go and ask your mum if she'll -- 292 00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:52,400 -Um, Mum's not gonna want to help you, Mr. pie kicker. 293 00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:54,600 -That's what I wanted to talk to her about. 294 00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:57,566 Because of my silly behavior, I didn't get to taste her pie. 295 00:13:57,666 --> 00:14:00,333 -Delicious pies. -Yeah, yeah, delicious pie. 296 00:14:00,433 --> 00:14:03,400 So I was wondering if she'd give me a second chance 297 00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:05,233 and bring me another pie? 298 00:14:05,333 --> 00:14:07,000 -You'd have to write her a sorry letter. 299 00:14:07,100 --> 00:14:08,833 -She's had a letter. -Mum! 300 00:14:08,933 --> 00:14:10,066 -Alright, hey, hey, hey. 301 00:14:11,266 --> 00:14:16,433 ♪♪ 302 00:14:16,533 --> 00:14:17,633 This is all there is. 303 00:14:17,733 --> 00:14:25,500 ♪♪ 304 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:33,033 ♪♪ 305 00:14:33,133 --> 00:14:35,166 This is the best I can do. 306 00:14:35,266 --> 00:14:43,733 ♪♪ 307 00:14:43,833 --> 00:14:51,366 ♪♪ 308 00:15:01,866 --> 00:15:03,600 -All done? -Yeah, nearly. 309 00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:05,766 Um, I need to use the bathroom. 310 00:15:05,866 --> 00:15:07,966 -Oh, yeah. Of course. 311 00:15:08,066 --> 00:15:09,166 -Where are you going? 312 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:12,166 -You said you needed to use the -- 313 00:15:12,266 --> 00:15:14,166 -I do. You're gonna have to stay in here. 314 00:15:14,266 --> 00:15:15,766 -Of course. 315 00:15:15,866 --> 00:15:17,733 Of course you're gonna make me watch you have a wee. 316 00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:20,966 -Turn around. 317 00:15:21,066 --> 00:15:23,000 It's not a wee I need, I'm afraid. 318 00:15:23,100 --> 00:15:26,100 -What? No, you can't. 319 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:27,466 Not while I'm in here. 320 00:15:27,566 --> 00:15:29,500 -What? Are you under the impression that women don't? 321 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,100 -No. I'm perfectly aware that women do. 322 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,733 I just don't want to be in the room when it comes out. 323 00:15:34,833 --> 00:15:36,233 -Well, tough. 324 00:15:36,333 --> 00:15:38,033 I have been dancing to the tune of man for 35 years. 325 00:15:38,133 --> 00:15:40,000 If I need to defecate, you can just damn well 326 00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:41,266 stand there and listen. 327 00:15:41,366 --> 00:15:43,633 -Oh, yeah, good. Good. You carry on. 328 00:15:43,733 --> 00:15:45,233 'Cause this is important, isn't it? 329 00:15:45,333 --> 00:15:46,800 This is like when you won the vote. 330 00:15:46,900 --> 00:15:49,133 Go on. Poo your way into history. 331 00:15:50,633 --> 00:15:52,533 -[ Flatulating ] -Oh, for God's sake. 332 00:15:52,633 --> 00:15:55,066 -Be quiet. -Me be quiet? 333 00:15:55,166 --> 00:15:57,566 -[ Groans ] 334 00:15:57,666 --> 00:16:00,466 [ Flatulating ] -[ Snorts ] 335 00:16:00,566 --> 00:16:03,266 [ Flatulating ] [ Groans ] 336 00:16:03,366 --> 00:16:05,466 -Have you considered this might just be gas? 337 00:16:05,566 --> 00:16:07,966 -No. I'm constipated. It's hardly surprising. 338 00:16:08,066 --> 00:16:10,433 I've been eating corned beef in the woods for two nights. 339 00:16:10,533 --> 00:16:12,000 -That's what it is. 340 00:16:13,700 --> 00:16:14,866 -Oh, it's no good. 341 00:16:14,966 --> 00:16:16,233 It's not gonna come while you're in here. 342 00:16:16,333 --> 00:16:17,866 -Well, let me go outside then. 343 00:16:17,966 --> 00:16:19,400 I won't run away, I promise. 344 00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:21,700 -You will. -Okay, I will run away. 345 00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:23,533 But come on! 346 00:16:23,633 --> 00:16:26,500 -All right. Stand outside. Go slowly. 347 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:28,200 But the moment you're outside, you start talking. 348 00:16:28,300 --> 00:16:30,366 If you stop talking for a second, I'll start shooting. 349 00:16:30,466 --> 00:16:31,533 -Fine. 350 00:16:34,466 --> 00:16:35,566 -Talk! 351 00:16:35,666 --> 00:16:38,100 -What about? -I don't know. Anything. 352 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,200 -All right. There'll be three types of curry tonight. 353 00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:42,900 There'll be a madras and a jalfrezi. 354 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,466 -No. Not about your curry. I'm bored of your curry. 355 00:16:45,566 --> 00:16:47,866 God, your world's so...small. 356 00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:50,333 -I can't think. 357 00:16:50,433 --> 00:16:52,500 -[ Grunts ] Why not? -I don't know. 358 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,400 I suppose it's because I'm being held at gunpoint 359 00:16:54,500 --> 00:16:56,633 by a murderer who's having a... 360 00:16:56,733 --> 00:16:58,633 -Sing then. -Sing what? 361 00:16:58,733 --> 00:17:00,366 -I don't know. It doesn't matter. 362 00:17:00,466 --> 00:17:03,600 -Oh, well...What -- Why do -- 363 00:17:03,700 --> 00:17:07,000 ♪ Why do I do just as you say? ♪ 364 00:17:07,100 --> 00:17:10,266 ♪ Why do I just give you your way? ♪ 365 00:17:10,366 --> 00:17:14,400 ♪ Why do I sigh? Why must I try to forget? ♪ 366 00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:17,733 ♪ It must have been something that lovers call fate ♪ 367 00:17:17,833 --> 00:17:21,500 ♪ That kept me saying I had to wait ♪ 368 00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:23,766 ♪ I heard them all ♪ 369 00:17:23,866 --> 00:17:29,500 ♪ Just couldn't fall till we met ♪ 370 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:32,300 ♪ It had to be you ♪ 371 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:38,400 -♪ It had to be you ♪ 372 00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:41,133 -♪ I wandered around ♪ 373 00:17:41,233 --> 00:17:43,000 ♪ Finally found ♪ 374 00:17:43,100 --> 00:17:47,000 -♪ Somebody who ♪ 375 00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:51,233 -♪ Could make me be true ♪ 376 00:17:51,333 --> 00:17:55,266 -♪ Could make be blue ♪ 377 00:17:55,366 --> 00:18:03,700 -♪ And even be glad just to be sad thinking of you ♪ 378 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:07,966 ♪ Some others I've seen ♪ 379 00:18:08,066 --> 00:18:12,133 -♪ Might never be mean ♪ 380 00:18:12,233 --> 00:18:16,566 -♪ Might never be cross or try to be boss ♪ 381 00:18:16,666 --> 00:18:20,366 ♪ But they wouldn't do ♪ 382 00:18:20,466 --> 00:18:25,566 ♪ For nobody else gave me a thrill ♪ 383 00:18:25,666 --> 00:18:29,633 ♪ With all your faults, I love you still ♪ 384 00:18:29,733 --> 00:18:33,366 ♪ It had to be you, wonderful you ♪ 385 00:18:33,466 --> 00:18:37,766 ♪ It had to be you ♪ 386 00:18:37,866 --> 00:18:39,633 [ Thunder rumbling ] 387 00:18:39,733 --> 00:18:43,500 [ Toilet flushes ] 388 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,833 -Success? -Yes, but I'm afraid 389 00:18:45,933 --> 00:18:47,500 you're going to have to get back in there. 390 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:50,133 -Yeah, that's fine. It's part of the job. 391 00:18:50,233 --> 00:18:52,433 I'm used to odors. -Yep. 392 00:18:57,966 --> 00:18:59,133 -[ Sniffs ] 393 00:18:59,233 --> 00:19:00,433 Yeah. 394 00:19:00,533 --> 00:19:02,466 I mean, fair play. That's awful. 395 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:09,033 ♪♪ 396 00:19:09,133 --> 00:19:11,966 -Shh. Be quiet. 397 00:19:12,066 --> 00:19:14,666 [ Pounding on door ] 398 00:19:16,500 --> 00:19:18,533 I told you to shut up. 399 00:19:18,633 --> 00:19:20,633 Oh... 400 00:19:20,733 --> 00:19:22,900 -I though it was weird. 401 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:24,533 I thought it was weird that you stabbed him to death 402 00:19:24,633 --> 00:19:26,900 when you had a perfectly good gun in the house, 403 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:27,933 but this is... 404 00:19:28,033 --> 00:19:30,566 -One of his stupid models. Yep. 405 00:19:30,666 --> 00:19:32,000 -It's very good. 406 00:19:32,100 --> 00:19:34,066 -I didn't say he wasn't good at models. 407 00:19:34,166 --> 00:19:35,466 [ Doorbell rings ] 408 00:19:35,566 --> 00:19:37,566 -Hello? Hello there. 409 00:19:37,666 --> 00:19:41,500 I got your apology. I have a pie. 410 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:43,800 -I don't understand. 411 00:19:43,900 --> 00:19:45,166 If he was that bad 412 00:19:45,266 --> 00:19:46,933 for all those years... -No. 413 00:19:47,033 --> 00:19:48,733 -...why didn't you just -- -No, I know. 414 00:19:48,833 --> 00:19:51,200 I had a chance at pushing him down a huge flight of stairs 415 00:19:51,300 --> 00:19:53,933 a few years ago, but chickened out last minute. 416 00:19:54,033 --> 00:19:57,533 -No. I don't mean why didn't you kill him sooner. 417 00:19:57,633 --> 00:20:00,000 I mean, why didn't you just leave him? 418 00:20:00,100 --> 00:20:03,433 -Hello. I've accepted your apology. 419 00:20:03,533 --> 00:20:06,166 -Sunk cost fallacy. 420 00:20:06,266 --> 00:20:07,700 -What? 421 00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:09,766 -It's a term I learned at business school 422 00:20:09,866 --> 00:20:11,800 when I had my own ambitions 423 00:20:11,900 --> 00:20:14,233 and before I gave my life to him. 424 00:20:14,333 --> 00:20:17,100 -Well, what does it mean? -Hello? 425 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,466 -What's it matter? It's over now. 426 00:20:20,833 --> 00:20:22,133 Do what you need to do. 427 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,533 Anyway [chuckles] 428 00:20:25,633 --> 00:20:27,033 you wouldn't understand. 429 00:20:27,133 --> 00:20:29,033 [ Doorbell rings ] -Hello? 430 00:20:29,133 --> 00:20:37,866 ♪♪ 431 00:20:37,966 --> 00:20:40,066 ♪♪ 432 00:20:40,166 --> 00:20:41,600 [ Screams ] 433 00:20:46,833 --> 00:20:48,233 -Try me. 434 00:20:50,633 --> 00:20:52,966 -Can I show you something? 435 00:20:53,066 --> 00:21:02,966 ♪♪ 436 00:21:03,066 --> 00:21:04,333 -Where are we going? 437 00:21:04,433 --> 00:21:05,600 -Have you ever heard of the Dolomites? 438 00:21:05,700 --> 00:21:07,500 -Yes, of course. 439 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,966 It's where the -- the castle is with the man, isn't it? 440 00:21:10,066 --> 00:21:14,133 -Yeah. No. 'Course you haven't. It's a mountain range in Italy. 441 00:21:14,233 --> 00:21:16,433 My grandfather, he was from the region, 442 00:21:16,533 --> 00:21:17,633 and when I was a little girl, 443 00:21:17,733 --> 00:21:20,633 he used to tell me tales of their beauty. 444 00:21:20,733 --> 00:21:23,300 Crystal clear lakes, air so pure 445 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:25,833 you'd feel drunk with every inhalation. 446 00:21:25,933 --> 00:21:30,133 Um, around every corner, a more God like vista. 447 00:21:30,233 --> 00:21:33,600 Anyway, in the months leading up to my 50th birthday, 448 00:21:33,700 --> 00:21:35,366 I dropped so many hints. 449 00:21:35,466 --> 00:21:38,366 My longing to go there, to breathe in that air. 450 00:21:38,466 --> 00:21:41,333 I even took Italian lessons, and... 451 00:21:48,233 --> 00:21:49,500 -Oh, God. 452 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:53,633 ♪♪ 453 00:21:53,733 --> 00:21:55,333 -Yep. 454 00:21:55,433 --> 00:21:58,133 [ Train whistle blows ] 455 00:22:03,366 --> 00:22:05,666 -It took him months. Barely saw him. 456 00:22:05,766 --> 00:22:07,600 He'd creep into bed at night. 457 00:22:07,700 --> 00:22:09,333 The stench of glue will haunt me for life. 458 00:22:09,433 --> 00:22:11,233 -Well, it's sort of sweet. 459 00:22:11,333 --> 00:22:13,200 He remembered you liked the Dolomites. 460 00:22:13,300 --> 00:22:14,366 -What? -Well, it shows 461 00:22:14,466 --> 00:22:16,166 he was listening, doesn't it? 462 00:22:16,266 --> 00:22:18,466 Hey, for my mum's birthday this year, my dad bought her 463 00:22:18,566 --> 00:22:20,200 a telescope. 464 00:22:20,300 --> 00:22:21,800 She's registered blind. 465 00:22:23,366 --> 00:22:26,966 -A lifetime following him around from model convention 466 00:22:27,066 --> 00:22:29,666 to miniature railway, and the one chance 467 00:22:29,766 --> 00:22:33,366 that he has to make up for 35 years of disappointment 468 00:22:33,466 --> 00:22:35,500 and take me to the place of my dreams, 469 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:39,200 and he makes me a model of it. 470 00:22:39,300 --> 00:22:42,566 No. This is all about him. 471 00:22:42,666 --> 00:22:45,833 And, anyway, I want to live life. 472 00:22:45,933 --> 00:22:47,800 I don't want to stare at 473 00:22:47,900 --> 00:22:51,633 a mini polystyrene version of it. 474 00:22:51,733 --> 00:22:55,233 -You married a nerd. Why did you stay with a nerd? 475 00:22:55,333 --> 00:22:57,866 -Sunk cost fallacy. I told you. 476 00:22:57,966 --> 00:23:00,433 If you invest a lifetime into something, 477 00:23:00,533 --> 00:23:04,333 pulling out means that lifetime meant nothing. 478 00:23:04,433 --> 00:23:06,866 -Fine. But why did you have to stab him? 479 00:23:06,966 --> 00:23:09,200 -Because I loved him. 480 00:23:09,300 --> 00:23:13,166 -Okay. Okay. You're an absolute nut job. 481 00:23:13,266 --> 00:23:14,800 -Maybe. 482 00:23:14,900 --> 00:23:16,666 -Well, you're not gonna get away with it. 483 00:23:16,766 --> 00:23:18,833 There'll be pictures of you everywhere. 484 00:23:18,933 --> 00:23:21,566 -Oh, I have no intention of getting away with it. 485 00:23:22,933 --> 00:23:24,833 [ Clicks ] Tea? 486 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:31,933 Oh. Ahh! 487 00:23:34,166 --> 00:23:35,700 -I think you should turn yourself in. 488 00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:37,366 -Oh, I agree. -You do? 489 00:23:37,466 --> 00:23:39,033 -Oh, yes. Fortnum? 490 00:23:40,266 --> 00:23:42,366 -Yeah. 491 00:23:42,466 --> 00:23:44,833 -I mean, I could put a pretty strong argument together 492 00:23:44,933 --> 00:23:47,066 for why I cracked. 493 00:23:47,166 --> 00:23:49,566 But, no, that's not my intention. 494 00:23:49,666 --> 00:23:55,433 I committed an awful crime, and I must pay the price. 495 00:23:55,533 --> 00:23:57,866 -Right. So what's with all the packing then? 496 00:23:57,966 --> 00:24:00,000 Are they having pool parties in prison now? 497 00:24:00,100 --> 00:24:05,166 -Well...since he died, I feel amazing. 498 00:24:05,266 --> 00:24:08,800 And I see beauty everywhere. I feel reborn. 499 00:24:08,900 --> 00:24:12,400 So, no, I must go to prison. I know I must. 500 00:24:12,500 --> 00:24:14,200 But before that... 501 00:24:14,300 --> 00:24:16,666 [ Sighs ] Well, I had wanted to go there. 502 00:24:16,766 --> 00:24:18,333 -To go where? 503 00:24:18,433 --> 00:24:19,833 -Dolomites. 504 00:24:21,100 --> 00:24:24,066 I wanted to breathe in that air 505 00:24:24,166 --> 00:24:26,600 and swim in those waters and feel for once, 506 00:24:26,700 --> 00:24:29,600 just once, I wanted to feel alive. 507 00:24:29,700 --> 00:24:34,033 In the moment. No past. No future. Just alive. 508 00:24:34,133 --> 00:24:38,066 Just two weeks of pure freedom. 509 00:24:38,166 --> 00:24:41,566 Cold gelato, dry white wine, 510 00:24:41,666 --> 00:24:45,833 eating lemons directly off the tree. 511 00:24:45,933 --> 00:24:48,166 -Oh, yes. 512 00:24:48,266 --> 00:24:50,966 That does sound good. 513 00:24:51,066 --> 00:24:53,700 Apart from the bit about eating lemons. 514 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:55,866 -Come with me. -What? 515 00:24:55,966 --> 00:24:57,233 -Come with me. -Oh, you're... 516 00:24:57,333 --> 00:24:58,633 -Crazy. Yeah. I know. 517 00:24:58,733 --> 00:25:00,366 -Why would you want me to come with you? 518 00:25:00,466 --> 00:25:03,466 -Oh, don't flatter yourself. You're not my type. 519 00:25:03,566 --> 00:25:06,800 Your life is going nowhere. You're a single 50-year-old man. 520 00:25:06,900 --> 00:25:09,866 No children. With a job he tolerates at best. 521 00:25:09,966 --> 00:25:11,533 -I'm very good at my job. 522 00:25:11,633 --> 00:25:14,833 I'm actually seeing a tattooed MILF, so... 523 00:25:14,933 --> 00:25:17,433 Oh. Oh, God. 524 00:25:17,533 --> 00:25:21,433 -Tell me one thing you've got to look forward to? Just one. 525 00:25:21,533 --> 00:25:23,566 -Me and the lads are gonna see Slack Sabbath. 526 00:25:23,666 --> 00:25:24,933 -Black Sabbath? 527 00:25:25,033 --> 00:25:29,333 -No, they're like them, but they're fat. 528 00:25:29,433 --> 00:25:32,866 -Live. Live for once. 529 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:36,600 -All right. 530 00:25:36,700 --> 00:25:37,966 I will. Sod it. 531 00:25:38,066 --> 00:25:40,000 -Really? -Yeah. Why not? 532 00:25:40,100 --> 00:25:41,366 The tattooed MILF will keep. 533 00:25:41,466 --> 00:25:43,500 -Oh, my God! 534 00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:46,400 Oh, my God. Um, I'll just get the rest of my things. 535 00:25:46,500 --> 00:25:48,166 Um, you'll need some clothes. 536 00:25:48,266 --> 00:25:49,666 Shall I drop you off at your place? 537 00:25:49,766 --> 00:25:51,066 -We'll take my van. 538 00:25:51,166 --> 00:25:52,600 They won't have put a port check on that yet. 539 00:25:52,700 --> 00:25:55,600 -Good thinking. Hope you like vino bianco. 540 00:25:55,700 --> 00:25:57,833 [ Laughs ] -I'm more of a beer man. 541 00:25:57,933 --> 00:26:00,433 But those continental lagers are delicious! 542 00:26:00,533 --> 00:26:07,900 ♪♪ 543 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:12,066 -I'm ready. I hope we find somewhere where we can dance. 544 00:26:12,166 --> 00:26:13,566 -I'm sure we will. 545 00:26:13,666 --> 00:26:15,266 -I bought this for myself. 546 00:26:15,366 --> 00:26:16,800 Never even showed it to him. 547 00:26:16,900 --> 00:26:18,433 [ Laughs ] 548 00:26:18,533 --> 00:26:20,033 -It's lovely. 549 00:26:20,133 --> 00:26:21,600 -Wait till you see when it's on. 550 00:26:21,700 --> 00:26:23,533 It's lamé, so it catches the light. 551 00:26:23,633 --> 00:26:26,666 -Fancy. -Isn't it? [ Laughs ] 552 00:26:26,766 --> 00:26:28,066 -Listen, we've got to get going. 553 00:26:28,166 --> 00:26:29,933 The sooner we're on the road, the safer it is. 554 00:26:30,033 --> 00:26:33,466 -Yeah. Sheila, by the way. 555 00:26:33,566 --> 00:26:35,433 -Eh? -My name. 556 00:26:40,433 --> 00:26:43,066 ♪♪ 557 00:26:43,166 --> 00:26:47,933 -♪ It had to be you ♪ 558 00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:52,400 -Stop! -Get down! 559 00:26:52,500 --> 00:26:55,633 [ Officers shouting ] 560 00:26:55,733 --> 00:26:59,300 ♪♪ 561 00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:06,133 -♪ I wandered around, and I finally found ♪ 562 00:27:06,233 --> 00:27:10,200 ♪ The somebody who ♪ 563 00:27:13,233 --> 00:27:19,366 ♪ Could make me be true ♪ 564 00:27:19,466 --> 00:27:25,333 ♪ And could make me be blue ♪ 565 00:27:27,066 --> 00:27:31,333 ♪ And even be glad ♪ 566 00:27:31,433 --> 00:27:34,866 ♪ Just to be sad ♪ 567 00:27:34,966 --> 00:27:39,600 -[ Sighs ] -♪ Thinking of you ♪ 568 00:27:41,066 --> 00:27:48,166 ♪ Some others I've seen ♪ 569 00:27:48,266 --> 00:27:53,500 ♪ Might never be mean ♪ 570 00:27:55,733 --> 00:27:59,500 ♪ Might never be cross ♪ 571 00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:03,500 ♪ Or try to be boss ♪ 572 00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:07,433 ♪ But they wouldn't do ♪